30 March 2013 Comments Off on WHY COUPLES FIGHT

WHY COUPLES FIGHT

Have you ever wondered why many couples fight?  Are they just with the wrong person or what?  Well, actually, arguing with your partner or disagreeing with them is healthy as long as no one plays the “blame game” or uses put downs.  Disagreeing is one way to be heard, assert your ideas and feel empowered.  But, if you and your partner fight most of the time, there might be something brewing underneath. Anger is often a feeling covering other, more vulnerable feelings like shame, sadness and hurt. Anger is protective. What’s more, many couples fight as a way to maintain some distance after being close. Others may have difficulty saying “No” or that they feel “smothered” so they show it through angry withdrawal or silence. Some stay angry as a way to avoid letting others in especially when they have been traumatized, betrayed or abused in other relationships or as children.  These wounds run long and deep and it may take many years for these people to learn to trust.  Finally,  some couples use anger as a way to avoid asking for what they want.    Believe it or not, it is easier albeit more stressful, to stay in an angry dance than to tell your partner how lonely, vulnerable, scared or sad you feel or how you miss them.  But, if you can express these feelings, you may see extraordinary results! You see, the more vulnerable you are in a relationship, the more vulnerable your partner can become.  Your vulnerability is your means of disarming your partner and gives him/her permission to be vulnerable too. Nobody wins in the anger game. If you found this helpful, feel free to contact me at:  nanlcsw@gmail.com or call me at 847.491..1111.  Anger hurts. Dont hesitate to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.