An Angry Partner

Anger is a natural response and can be motivating and empowering. Yet, if one is stuck in this emotion, he or she may be sinking into toxic anger which is not good for anyone. Are you living with someone who is easily triggered to rage? Are you afraid of confronting them about the smallest issue because it always ends up in a blow out? Are you feeling like leaving your relationship because you can’t take it anymore? If you can relate to one or all of these issues, you probably are in a relationship with a very hurt person. That’s right, rather than thinking about them as an expletive, child-like or impossible, realize that your partner must have been through some pretty tough life experiences to get this way. Whether your partner has emotional baggage from being abused, intruded upon, neglected or has had early parent loss or any number of disappointing circumstances, he or she is using the anger to cover deeper, more vulnerable feeling of shame, sadness and hurt. Working with this behavior is simple but not easy. The antidote, believe it or not, involves not changing your partner (most partners don’t want to change) but becoming more empathetic to them. When an angry partner senses that someone cares or is being truly vulnerable with them, it is like a green light that says it’s now okay to trust. Lovingly acknowledge that their anger is upsetting to you and scary but also that you understand it is coming from a wounded place. You may even suggest counseling if they are open. On the other hand, if you are getting abused by your partner’s anger either verbally, physically or sexually, it is important not to tolerate this behavior and help them get help. If you can’t do this, please get help for yourself. If you found this helpful, please e.mail me at nanlcsw@gmail.com to schedule an appointment or call me at 847.491.1111. Help is here for you, your partner of both of you. Feel free to offer my article to others. I do this as a free service to promote relational healing.